Tag: shopping

Avoid impulse shopping with your credit card

It might look gross, but this juicy pie is actually the secret to financial success.

Do you have credit cards, but not the self control to use them responsibly? Are you unable to not run up your limit every month? Are you so addicted to shopping that you just can’t stop yourself? This is the perfect tip for you.

You may have heard of literally freezing your credit card – in a block of ice. That’s dumb and a waste of freezer space that could be used to store more precious Pizza Rolls. Not to mention that you could still read your credit card number through the ice and continue your detrimental shopping spree on Amazon.

No, what you want to do is store your credit card in a giant cow turd. That’ll really prevent you from getting to it when you want it most. Just imagine having to dig through that disgusting dung and all thoughts of shopping should hopefully disappear instantly.

If that’s not a strong enough deterrent for you, you can instead try storing your credit card in a box sealed with a satanic blood ritual that can only be reopened with the live sacrifice of a human baby. Happy savings!

Great discounts at your favorite retailers

Take what you want. It's cheaper.

Clothes are expensive. Food is expensive. Shopping is expensive, even when you buy your clothes and food second-hand at the local Goodwill while hiding under sunglasses and a wig so your friends don’t recognize your shameful shopping shenanigans.

Unfortunately, food and clothing are essentials for living. Well, maybe just food. Anyway, even after you’ve exhausted all the coupons and savings club cards you can find, your fat ass might still be hungry. What to do?

There’s another discount you might not have thought of. Yeah, that’s right. The five-finger discount. Get stuff for absolutely FREE! How amazing is that?

Here’s how it works. You go to the store. You pick up the item you want to purchase with your special discount. Then you stick it in your pocket and strut out like a boss. You don’t even have to go through checkout! This strategy is fail-proof, trust me.

Here are a few extra pointers to expand your discount strategy:

  1. This discount works at any store!
  2. Some stores haven’t heard of this discount, so don’t bother asking the employees about it. In fact, it’s better if you’re not noticed or seen at all. Especially by security guards. Just buy your items and leave.
  3. Get a friend to help you with your discount. Your friend can watch out for “the man” and even buy his own items with the discount. More hands and more pockets equals more savings.
  4. This discount works best on small items that can fit in your pockets. Don’t try to buy a TV with this discount, unless you’ve got some kind of tesseract pants pockets or something.
  5. To follow up on the previous point, the bigger your pockets, the better. With practice, you can start with packs of gum and candy and work your way up to yardstick Slim Jims and sub sandwiches.
  6. Cool people stea– I mean save money with discounts. Robin Hood did it and he was a badass. Jesus did it too, I think. I’d look it up but I traded my Bible for clean underwear.