Listen, it happens to the best of us. Sometimes it can’t be avoided. What am I talking about? I’m talking about the terrible plight that some of us have to endure at some point in our lives. Of course, I am talking about the curse of public transportation and being thrown into a smelly tin can with your “fellow” citizens.
Now, before you act all high and mighty in your privately owned automobile as you drive to work, ask yourself, when was the last time you actually interacted with your fellow human beings? I try to avoid it at all costs. The typical citizen is a terrible, smelly, uneducated neanderthal with disgusting habits and manners. I renew my driver’s license online to avoid standing in line next to a single mouth-breather. Though, sometimes we must inevitably descend into the swamp that is the public.
If you ever find yourself stuck in a situation where you must take public transportation, like a city bus, we at Lifehaxor headquarters have a few tips to impart to make your journey a much more pleasant one.
The real problem with public transportation, besides the constant smell of urine and afterbirth, are the conversations that riders will try to strike up with you. The worst are the ones that think you want to converse with them at all. They are riding public transportation, what enlightened thought could they ever have?
I have found that it is best to go on the offensive on these “people” so that they know that they should not sit next to you, nor dare speak to you. Here are some of my favorite ideas:
- Don’t be poor, that way you’ll never have to ride public transportation.
- Stare down anyone who looks like they might approach the vacant seat next to yours. If necessary, stand up as you intimidate them with your blank, unblinking eyes.
- Talk loudly with Larry, the invisible guy sitting next to you.
- Be the world’s messiest eater. Cake food into your clothes and facial hair. (This may backfire as you will blend in with the majority of the bus’s constituents.)
- Ask them if they have been saved.
- Use makeup to paint purple sores across your face. Make sure to inform everyone that it’s not chicken pox, it’s AIDS.
- Prepare a bag of mud and melted chocolate and ask them to hold your colostomy bag if they try to sit next to you.
- If you forgot to get some dirt/chocolate/whatever just use actual shit.
- If you forgot your bag, just shit yourself. It is better to sit in your own filth than be surrounded by the filth of society.
- If you can’t summon a shit on command, jam a finger down your throat and vomit over yourself and the vacant seat.
- If all else fails, lie: Say the seat has been taken by someone else.
Share your thoughts and other tips that you may have in the comments. And remember, a life hacked is a life saved.