Clothes are expensive. Food is expensive. Shopping is expensive, even when you buy your clothes and food second-hand at the local Goodwill while hiding under sunglasses and a wig so your friends don’t recognize your shameful shopping shenanigans.
Unfortunately, food and clothing are essentials for living. Well, maybe just food. Anyway, even after you’ve exhausted all the coupons and savings club cards you can find, your fat ass might still be hungry. What to do?
There’s another discount you might not have thought of. Yeah, that’s right. The five-finger discount. Get stuff for absolutely FREE! How amazing is that?
Here’s how it works. You go to the store. You pick up the item you want to purchase with your special discount. Then you stick it in your pocket and strut out like a boss. You don’t even have to go through checkout! This strategy is fail-proof, trust me.
Here are a few extra pointers to expand your discount strategy:
- This discount works at any store!
- Some stores haven’t heard of this discount, so don’t bother asking the employees about it. In fact, it’s better if you’re not noticed or seen at all. Especially by security guards. Just buy your items and leave.
- Get a friend to help you with your discount. Your friend can watch out for “the man” and even buy his own items with the discount. More hands and more pockets equals more savings.
- This discount works best on small items that can fit in your pockets. Don’t try to buy a TV with this discount, unless you’ve got some kind of tesseract pants pockets or something.
- To follow up on the previous point, the bigger your pockets, the better. With practice, you can start with packs of gum and candy and work your way up to yardstick Slim Jims and sub sandwiches.
- Cool people stea– I mean save money with discounts. Robin Hood did it and he was a badass. Jesus did it too, I think. I’d look it up but I traded my Bible for clean underwear.