We all get drunk from time to time. Hell, I’m getting drunk right now. But the trick is to do it right: cheaply and sometimes, when needed… stealthily.
I recently went to a concert, which was pretty awesome except for the $14 margaritas with absolutely NO BOOZE in them whatsoever. Jesus Christ, how is anyone supposed to get through a Blink-182 concert sober? Those fuckers even patted me down beforehand. Belt-line, socks, they even made me empty out my pockets. I felt like I was back in middle school.
Anyway, I started to think about all the times in my life I wish I had been drunk for. I have been limited in my ability to get drunk based on several factors, including money, age, and sometimes the inability to conceal alcohol in forbidden areas.
I found many ways to conceal alcohol during my career as a functioning alcoholic, and I’d like to impart my wisdom on random internet strangers. Here are some products I’ve used to remain a functioning adult.
These disposable flasks are great for sneaking alcohol past airport security or anything with metal detectors. There are many alternatives to this such as “the beer belly,” and for women there is apparently a padded bra with flasks inside to hide alcohol.
Sometimes hiding it in plain sight is the better option. For those who have been on a cruise, you know how thorough they can be with searching your luggage for booze and other contraband. For every drop you don’t have they know they can squeeze you for more money. I find that the best option is to bring bottles for other things, like maybe water, and glue the seal shut to make it appear unopened. No one will open your water bottle to confirm that it actually is water, because no one is that big of a prick. My personal favorite is hiding vodka in Listerine bottles. You’ll have to use food coloring to make it pass but it’s doable. I suggest you actually wash out the bottle first and not just with water but in the dishwasher, otherwise you’ll always taste that minty taste in the vodka.
Sometimes the simplest solution is the best. I don’t always have the best ideas but I can at least recognize a great idea. Wine in a soda can for one, which was made popular by the hit cult TV show It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. If you are about to head out to work or a night on the town with your friends, I suggest filling a used can of soda or something similar with wine. It’s a perfect way to stay classy and drunk, which in my opinion is one and the same.