Category: Lifestyle

How to avoid human contact on public transportation

you could drop a deuce and no one would know for weeks
you could drop a deuce and no one would know for weeks

Listen, it happens to the best of us. Sometimes it can’t be avoided. What am I talking about? I’m talking about the terrible plight that some of us have to endure at some point in our lives. Of course, I am talking about the curse of public transportation and being thrown into a smelly tin can with your “fellow” citizens.

Now, before you act all high and mighty in your privately owned automobile as you drive to work, ask yourself, when was the last time you actually interacted with your fellow human beings? I try to avoid it at all costs. The typical citizen is a terrible, smelly, uneducated neanderthal with disgusting habits and manners. I renew my driver’s license online to avoid standing in line next to a single mouth-breather. Though, sometimes we must inevitably descend into the swamp that is the public.

If you ever find yourself stuck in a situation where you must take public transportation, like a city bus, we at Lifehaxor headquarters have a few tips to impart to make your journey a much more pleasant one.

The real problem with public transportation, besides the constant smell of urine and afterbirth, are the conversations that riders will try to strike up with you. The worst are the ones that think you want to converse with them at all. They are riding public transportation, what enlightened thought could they ever have?

I have found that it is best to go on the offensive on these “people” so that they know that they should not sit next to you, nor dare speak to you. Here are some of my favorite ideas:

  • Don’t be poor, that way you’ll never have to ride public transportation.
  • Stare down anyone who looks like they might approach the vacant seat next to yours. If necessary, stand up as you intimidate them with your blank, unblinking eyes.
  • Talk loudly with Larry, the invisible guy sitting next to you.
  • Be the world’s messiest eater. Cake food into your clothes and facial hair. (This may backfire as you will blend in with the majority of the bus’s constituents.)
  • Ask them if they have been saved.
  • Use makeup to paint purple sores across your face. Make sure to inform everyone that it’s not chicken pox, it’s AIDS.
  • Prepare a bag of mud and melted chocolate and ask them to hold your colostomy bag if they try to sit next to you.
  • If you forgot to get some dirt/chocolate/whatever just use actual shit.
  • If you forgot your bag, just shit yourself. It is better to sit in your own filth than be surrounded by the filth of society.
  • If you can’t summon a shit on command, jam a finger down your throat and vomit over yourself and the vacant seat.
  • If all else fails, lie: Say the seat has been taken by someone else.

Share your thoughts and other tips that you may have in the comments. And remember, a life hacked is a life saved.

Hiding your drinks

We all get drunk from time to time. Hell, I’m getting drunk right now. But the trick is to do it right: cheaply and sometimes, when needed… stealthily.

I recently went to a concert, which was pretty awesome except for the $14 margaritas with absolutely NO BOOZE in them whatsoever. Jesus Christ, how is anyone supposed to get through a Blink-182 concert sober? Those fuckers even patted me down beforehand. Belt-line, socks, they even made me empty out my pockets. I felt like I was back in middle school.

Anyway, I started to think about all the times in my life I wish I had been drunk for. I have been limited in my ability to get drunk based on several factors, including money, age, and sometimes the inability to conceal alcohol in forbidden areas.

I found many ways to conceal alcohol during my career as a functioning alcoholic, and I’d like to impart my wisdom on random internet strangers. Here are some products I’ve used to remain a functioning adult.

These disposable flasks are great for sneaking alcohol past airport security or anything with metal detectors. There are many alternatives to this such as “the beer belly,” and for women there is apparently a padded bra with flasks inside to hide alcohol.

Sometimes hiding it in plain sight is the better option. For those who have been on a cruise, you know how thorough they can be with searching your luggage for booze and other contraband. For every drop you don’t have they know they can squeeze you for more money. I find that the best option is to bring bottles for other things, like maybe water, and glue the seal shut to make it appear unopened. No one will open your water bottle to confirm that it actually is water, because no one is that big of a prick. My personal favorite is hiding vodka in Listerine bottles. You’ll have to use food coloring to make it pass but it’s doable. I suggest you actually wash out the bottle first and not just with water but in the dishwasher, otherwise you’ll always taste that minty taste in the vodka.

Sometimes the simplest solution is the best. I don’t always have the best ideas but I can at least recognize a great idea. Wine in a soda can for one, which was made popular by the hit cult TV show It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. If you are about to head out to work or a night on the town with your friends, I suggest filling a used can of soda or something similar with wine. It’s a perfect way to stay classy and drunk, which in my opinion is one and the same.

Never fold or iron your clothes

You too can look this hot with this simple tip.Folding and ironing your clothes is a DRAG. Who has time to do that boring crap? Not me, that’s for sure. But wrinkles are unsightly and embarrassing. Wearing wrinkled clothes kind of makes you look like a homeless person, or at best a poor one. Your family, friends and coworkers will whisper behind your back about your unkempt look and creased clothing. The humiliation. The shame. Can you imagine it? Of course you can. You probably don’t even have to imagine.

This trick is as simple as it is brilliant. Just buy clothes that are at least two sizes too small for you. Your beautiful body will stretch your clothes out, eliminating all wrinkles and the need to ever fold or iron your clothes again, all while accenting your naturally alluring curves and chiseled edges. You’ll look sexier and feel sexier just by wearing form-fitting fashion. The struggle to get dressed every morning is a small price to pay for being the envy of everyone who sees you. Strut your stuff, you sexy beast.

Time Management Tips

We all have trouble with time management… Some of us more than others. I never felt like I had any real time to myself, so I decided to take a good look at how I manage my time.

A stopwatch is used to keep track of time spent. But everybody has smartphones now, except for poor people. Or so I am told by those who interact with them.

One common suggestion to help you get a better grasp of your time is to keep a time journal. Basically, you use a schedule or day planner, but instead of planning what you will do in the future, you record what you did in the past. And don’t lie to yourself, because it will only hamper your self-improvement mind-hack.

I did this myself, and between school, studying, work and all the other required activities that I do, such as sleeping and eating, I learned that I have quite a bit of free time. However, my schedule showed otherwise. This was because of the small moments I wasted throughout my day. I learned how to hack my time and save several seconds or minutes throughout the day, which, depending on your skill level, could yield you a lot more free time for your various hobbies.

  • Don’t say “hi” to people. It’s a waste of time. Either you probably won’t see them again so they aren’t worth your time, or they are a friend who you can temporarily shun in the name of not wasting those precious few moments of your life. If you find it hard to pull this off, you need motivation to move forward. While stuck talking to someone, just think about what you could be watching on TV instead of talking to this person. That usually does the trick.
  • Don’t flush. Not only does this save water, but it’s a great time saver. I practically never flush at a urinal, because I’m pretty sure those things don’t need to be flushed. It’s just a pipe that drains out into Mexico or something. You can even try this with toilets. If the next guy thinks that the commode should be flushed, he’ll do it himself, and you’ll get a precious few seconds to spend elsewhere.
  • Velcro shoes. Some people look down on people who wear velcro. I used to think less of children and the handicapped, until I realized how much time I was wasting by tying my shoes. Let’s face it, we’re a long way from self-lacing Nikes as you might have seen in Michael J. Fox’s breakout hit movie Back to the Future. In the meantime, you can stick to the simple pull and press method of Velcro. Think of it this way: the United States military uses velcro on their combat uniforms, so shouldn’t you at least use if for your shoes? I use military grade hardware to tighten my shoes, what do you use? No wait, let me guess – you’re just gonna try to keep them on your feet with some flimsy piece of string… Can anyone say “ghetto”?
  • Speed while you’re driving. Run red lights. Take a racing course and learn to drift so you can take turns without slowing down. Many speed hacks can be applied to driving.
  • If you must eat, I recommend Hot Pockets. It’s an instant feast that is ready in 2 minutes or less. Many foods that you love come in microwavable form (technology developed by our space program). Save time by using the power of modern science and eat in style.
  • By regularly eating Hot Pockets, you should now have consistent diarrhea which will reduce the amount of time needed to spend in the bathroom expelling your bowels, as the Hot Pockets will do the work for you.

I’m sure our readers can find more time saving tips in their own lives. And might I suggest you share your ideas below in our comments section. It may take a bit of time out of your busy day, so weigh your choices heavily based on what’s on TV right now.

Free windshield cleaning service in most metropolitan cities

Greetings, fellow haxors of life, I’ve got a great car cleaning tip for you.

Now, I typically don’t take exceptional care of my car, as it’s nothing fancy. I usually go for months without washing it, but one thing I make sure to attend to is the dirt and grime on my windshield.

I try to use my wiper fluid as liberally as possible to keep my windshield clean, as visibility is important and also a matter of public safety. However, as we all know, that awesome fluid eventually runs out, and you’re forced to put forth the effort to clean your own car, or stop at a local full service gas station and tip the mentally disabled man to clean your windows for you.

I have found that another option exists in most major cities. There are typically these mangy beings that occupy the sidewalks or corners of popular crossroads and offer their services of washing your windows whilst your vehicle remains stationary at the traffic light that governs said crossroad. They will happily work their best to clean your windows to their former pristine condition before the time at the light expires.

Once they are done with the cleaning, you need not worry about monetary compensation, as it is not required. These jovial workers are content with a mere smile from you and an honorable nod of the head showing your approval of their good work. Best of all, it is not even necessary to try to converse with them, as societal norms dictate you must with the mentally disabled at the full service stations.

Summer Time Savings

Summer is upon us, and as we all know, that’s when your power bills go up. Here are some simple ways to cut down on your energy usage and save some green while being green!

  1. Open the windows and shut off your AC. Give it a shot. It’s like camping or being homeless, but slightly better as you don’t have to shit wherever you are standing.
  2. Steal Swap energy-efficient light bulbs from where you work and replace them with your own less efficient light bulbs from home. However, you don’t have to steal from your workplace if you feel this might jeopardize your job. Swap these bulbs from the homes of your friends and family. The upside is that light bulbs are one of those rare things people don’t pay close attention to until they break, and who would ever guess that their friends would take them? It’s not even stealing. It’s swapping.
  3. Shut lights off when you aren’t using them. Also check to make sure your lights go off when they should. Buy a video camera and place it inside your fridge to make sure that the light bulb actually turns off when the door closes.
  4. Go blind. You won’t need to buy or swap light bulbs at all.
  5. Children cost a lot of money and use a lot of power and resources. If you’ve ever thought about changing where you stand on the issue of abortion, summer is the time to do it. I suggest aborting all of your children, no matter how old they are (or at least kicking them out of your house). It’s the ultimate lifehack!