Author: Nathan

Never fold or iron your clothes

You too can look this hot with this simple tip.Folding and ironing your clothes is a DRAG. Who has time to do that boring crap? Not me, that’s for sure. But wrinkles are unsightly and embarrassing. Wearing wrinkled clothes kind of makes you look like a homeless person, or at best a poor one. Your family, friends and coworkers will whisper behind your back about your unkempt look and creased clothing. The humiliation. The shame. Can you imagine it? Of course you can. You probably don’t even have to imagine.

This trick is as simple as it is brilliant. Just buy clothes that are at least two sizes too small for you. Your beautiful body will stretch your clothes out, eliminating all wrinkles and the need to ever fold or iron your clothes again, all while accenting your naturally alluring curves and chiseled edges. You’ll look sexier and feel sexier just by wearing form-fitting fashion. The struggle to get dressed every morning is a small price to pay for being the envy of everyone who sees you. Strut your stuff, you sexy beast.

Avoid impulse shopping with your credit card

It might look gross, but this juicy pie is actually the secret to financial success.

Do you have credit cards, but not the self control to use them responsibly? Are you unable to not run up your limit every month? Are you so addicted to shopping that you just can’t stop yourself? This is the perfect tip for you.

You may have heard of literally freezing your credit card – in a block of ice. That’s dumb and a waste of freezer space that could be used to store more precious Pizza Rolls. Not to mention that you could still read your credit card number through the ice and continue your detrimental shopping spree on Amazon.

No, what you want to do is store your credit card in a giant cow turd. That’ll really prevent you from getting to it when you want it most. Just imagine having to dig through that disgusting dung and all thoughts of shopping should hopefully disappear instantly.

If that’s not a strong enough deterrent for you, you can instead try storing your credit card in a box sealed with a satanic blood ritual that can only be reopened with the live sacrifice of a human baby. Happy savings!

Great discounts at your favorite retailers

Take what you want. It's cheaper.

Clothes are expensive. Food is expensive. Shopping is expensive, even when you buy your clothes and food second-hand at the local Goodwill while hiding under sunglasses and a wig so your friends don’t recognize your shameful shopping shenanigans.

Unfortunately, food and clothing are essentials for living. Well, maybe just food. Anyway, even after you’ve exhausted all the coupons and savings club cards you can find, your fat ass might still be hungry. What to do?

There’s another discount you might not have thought of. Yeah, that’s right. The five-finger discount. Get stuff for absolutely FREE! How amazing is that?

Here’s how it works. You go to the store. You pick up the item you want to purchase with your special discount. Then you stick it in your pocket and strut out like a boss. You don’t even have to go through checkout! This strategy is fail-proof, trust me.

Here are a few extra pointers to expand your discount strategy:

  1. This discount works at any store!
  2. Some stores haven’t heard of this discount, so don’t bother asking the employees about it. In fact, it’s better if you’re not noticed or seen at all. Especially by security guards. Just buy your items and leave.
  3. Get a friend to help you with your discount. Your friend can watch out for “the man” and even buy his own items with the discount. More hands and more pockets equals more savings.
  4. This discount works best on small items that can fit in your pockets. Don’t try to buy a TV with this discount, unless you’ve got some kind of tesseract pants pockets or something.
  5. To follow up on the previous point, the bigger your pockets, the better. With practice, you can start with packs of gum and candy and work your way up to yardstick Slim Jims and sub sandwiches.
  6. Cool people stea– I mean save money with discounts. Robin Hood did it and he was a badass. Jesus did it too, I think. I’d look it up but I traded my Bible for clean underwear.

Clean your keyboard while your computer is on

USB cable

If you’ve ever felt the sudden compulsive urge to clean the stereotypical Cheetoh crumbs and pubic hairs out of your disgusting keyboard, you might have been stopped by a sudden twinge of hesitation as you don’t want to disrupt whatever all-important task you were currently engaging in with stray keyboard presses. You might log out of World of Warcraft by accident! Or send your online girlfriend an incoherent message declaring “ewrtuyuahfgsd ajggtrtuiyop’;]l;kl a;/j////////////////////////////////”. She’ll absolutely not stand for that sort of tomfoolery!

Luckily, here’s a handy life hack to save your day. First, you search the internet for an application that disables your keyboard’s input, then you install it and–

Just kidding. What are you, fucking retarded? Unplug your keyboard, you idiot. You don’t even have to turn your computer off! LIFE HACKED, BITCH.

Tipping Tips

Everyone agrees that carrying change and small bills around is a big pain in the ass. (And if you don’t agree, you’re an idiot.) You get the grime and germs of countless strangers all over the insides of your pockets and onto your hands and fingers, and God only knows where you’ll stick those things after you handle your money. Wandering fingers, unconsciously picking, poking and prodding at various orifices. The horror. So why bother at all? Free yourself of the cumbrance of coinage and improve your tipping technique with this little tip.

So how do you go about tipping at your favorite restaurant, diner or eatery without carrying your own change? Simply collect the cash tips from nearby tables and pile them on your own table as you leave. You’ll simultaneously make yourself look incredibly generous with the extra-large tip, and make everyone else who dined near you look like a miserly cunt. It’s not even unethical, because you’re not stealing from anyone – you’re simply redistributing money that was already allocated to tips. The best part is saving your own money while looking like a magnanimous tipper.

Of course, this method doesn’t work at restaurants where credit card payments and tips are the standard. In this case, just sign your receipt and conveniently forget to fill in the tip line. Then, if your server decides to help themselves to a tip from your credit line, you can sue the bejesus out of them and get even more money back. That’ll teach ’em.