Everyone agrees that carrying change and small bills around is a big pain in the ass. (And if you don’t agree, you’re an idiot.) You get the grime and germs of countless strangers all over the insides of your pockets and onto your hands and fingers, and God only knows where you’ll stick those things after you handle your money. Wandering fingers, unconsciously picking, poking and prodding at various orifices. The horror. So why bother at all? Free yourself of the cumbrance of coinage and improve your tipping technique with this little tip.
So how do you go about tipping at your favorite restaurant, diner or eatery without carrying your own change? Simply collect the cash tips from nearby tables and pile them on your own table as you leave. You’ll simultaneously make yourself look incredibly generous with the extra-large tip, and make everyone else who dined near you look like a miserly cunt. It’s not even unethical, because you’re not stealing from anyone – you’re simply redistributing money that was already allocated to tips. The best part is saving your own money while looking like a magnanimous tipper.
Of course, this method doesn’t work at restaurants where credit card payments and tips are the standard. In this case, just sign your receipt and conveniently forget to fill in the tip line. Then, if your server decides to help themselves to a tip from your credit line, you can sue the bejesus out of them and get even more money back. That’ll teach ’em.