Month: May 2011

Free windshield cleaning service in most metropolitan cities

Greetings, fellow haxors of life, I’ve got a great car cleaning tip for you.

Now, I typically don’t take exceptional care of my car, as it’s nothing fancy. I usually go for months without washing it, but one thing I make sure to attend to is the dirt and grime on my windshield.

I try to use my wiper fluid as liberally as possible to keep my windshield clean, as visibility is important and also a matter of public safety. However, as we all know, that awesome fluid eventually runs out, and you’re forced to put forth the effort to clean your own car, or stop at a local full service gas station and tip the mentally disabled man to clean your windows for you.

I have found that another option exists in most major cities. There are typically these mangy beings that occupy the sidewalks or corners of popular crossroads and offer their services of washing your windows whilst your vehicle remains stationary at the traffic light that governs said crossroad. They will happily work their best to clean your windows to their former pristine condition before the time at the light expires.

Once they are done with the cleaning, you need not worry about monetary compensation, as it is not required. These jovial workers are content with a mere smile from you and an honorable nod of the head showing your approval of their good work. Best of all, it is not even necessary to try to converse with them, as societal norms dictate you must with the mentally disabled at the full service stations.

Summer Time Savings

Summer is upon us, and as we all know, that’s when your power bills go up. Here are some simple ways to cut down on your energy usage and save some green while being green!

  1. Open the windows and shut off your AC. Give it a shot. It’s like camping or being homeless, but slightly better as you don’t have to shit wherever you are standing.
  2. Steal Swap energy-efficient light bulbs from where you work and replace them with your own less efficient light bulbs from home. However, you don’t have to steal from your workplace if you feel this might jeopardize your job. Swap these bulbs from the homes of your friends and family. The upside is that light bulbs are one of those rare things people don’t pay close attention to until they break, and who would ever guess that their friends would take them? It’s not even stealing. It’s swapping.
  3. Shut lights off when you aren’t using them. Also check to make sure your lights go off when they should. Buy a video camera and place it inside your fridge to make sure that the light bulb actually turns off when the door closes.
  4. Go blind. You won’t need to buy or swap light bulbs at all.
  5. Children cost a lot of money and use a lot of power and resources. If you’ve ever thought about changing where you stand on the issue of abortion, summer is the time to do it. I suggest aborting all of your children, no matter how old they are (or at least kicking them out of your house). It’s the ultimate lifehack!

Tipping Tips

Everyone agrees that carrying change and small bills around is a big pain in the ass. (And if you don’t agree, you’re an idiot.) You get the grime and germs of countless strangers all over the insides of your pockets and onto your hands and fingers, and God only knows where you’ll stick those things after you handle your money. Wandering fingers, unconsciously picking, poking and prodding at various orifices. The horror. So why bother at all? Free yourself of the cumbrance of coinage and improve your tipping technique with this little tip.

So how do you go about tipping at your favorite restaurant, diner or eatery without carrying your own change? Simply collect the cash tips from nearby tables and pile them on your own table as you leave. You’ll simultaneously make yourself look incredibly generous with the extra-large tip, and make everyone else who dined near you look like a miserly cunt. It’s not even unethical, because you’re not stealing from anyone – you’re simply redistributing money that was already allocated to tips. The best part is saving your own money while looking like a magnanimous tipper.

Of course, this method doesn’t work at restaurants where credit card payments and tips are the standard. In this case, just sign your receipt and conveniently forget to fill in the tip line. Then, if your server decides to help themselves to a tip from your credit line, you can sue the bejesus out of them and get even more money back. That’ll teach ’em.